Disney Land of Self

Warning: This entry may test the stomach of most strong philosophical gush-mush resistant people!


Are’nt insecurities supposed to fade with age? Are’nt we supposed to resolve our ego issues and personality issues at some point or the other and reach a stage of Personal Nirvana?

Personal Nirvana seems to me the Disney Land of Self. Where all ego’s, insecurities, inferiorities, superiorities, meanness, jealousies, pettiness would dissipate in a parade of self-awareness, contentment, peace, calm, tranquility and the best thing of all, mundane almost boringly consistent happiness.

Rather foolishly I always thought that this was supposed to happen when one matures quite naturally - that the immature jerks would grow up, that the mean cats would realize how silly they were, that the goof’s and goons, and idiots would reform and become decent human beings……..And that similarly the jerk, the cat and idiot in me would also just disappear.

Hmmmmm…… Time seems to be telling me that this is not quite what happens so easily in reality. And worse of all is when you realize that you are one of the scores of people who have not reached their Personal Nirvana even though you have officially entered the Age of Maturity – which of course is different for different people but which for me was somewhere in my early thirties.

I had always assumed that I would reach Personal Nirvana quite naturally. Didn’t you? Self-evolvement is supposed to be natural and that is what we are supposed to achieve in this shitty life. Maybe I have read too many romantic novels. Maybe because my Moon is Aquarius and my Saturn is in Pisces that I have these illusions of grandeur. Anyway, bottom-line, have not reached the Disney Land of Self as yet.

My friends and family also seem to be on the same boat. Earlier on I thought that marriage was the big toll plaza one had to cross, and once one had paid the dues at the toll plaza, one was guaranteed entry. Unfortunately not so. My dearest friend has married a perennially immature man, whose anthem is Bryan Adam’s 18 till I die. Now even after kids, he is as idiotic as he was fifteen years ago. Another friend who got married very young to someone who at that stage seemed to be quite advanced on the Personal Nirvana scale, has seen a shocking slide down for the worst. Another friend has completely gone off the charts. The list goes on and on.

So what prevents us from achieving this Personal Nirvana? Is it Ego or Is it Insecurities? Methinks both are one and the same thing – ‘coz the only reason to think that one is great is the fear that others don’t think one is great enough 

One also has a quota of petty grievances, jealousies, idiosyncrasies and stupidities which don’t seem to lessen, just seem to be replaced by new and improved grievances, jealousies and idiosyncrasies......


Keeping all of this in mind, does one give up on reaching the Disney Land of Self? Is it just too idealistic and self-congratulatory to think that one could reach there at all? Don’t know that answers to these.

However have decided that for me, in these circumstances in which it is clear that one is clearly stupid/immature/silly/petty/insecure, the best one can do is to try and keep a grip on how stupid/immature/silly/petty/insecure one is going to be, with whom, for how long and for what purpose.

Wish me luck!